surviving the confliction of self

Nobody tells you how hard it is to outgrow yourself. That’d be nice to know. I can tell you this: it’s exhausting. Between who I’m learning to be and the memories of who I was, I feel like I’m going crazy. “Old memories are like corpses, the more you dig them up the worse they look.”

Five years from now I hope I won’t recognize the man I used to be. But right now? Right now, it’s hard. Every day I feel like I'm at war with myself. It’s a messy, painful, slow kinda growth. It ain’t glamorous. For real, half the time you’ll doubt it’s even worth it. Wait, hold up…

Tiny footsteps. 

Small voice: Hi.

Life interrupts. 

I guess that’s what it is. The spiral. The confusion. The doubt. It’s the step in the direction of my choosing. I know what it’s like to leave, to run, but this time, I’m staying. I’ve never seen this side of me before. 

And I like it.